You hold my body hostage
It is no longer mine
I cannot do with it what I will
Only what you allow

You let me sleep
But waking hours
You are my constant companion
Sometimes loud, sometimes silent.

Sometimes I think you have left me
Then I turn a corner
And you grab me from behind
Catch me unawares

I try to find the strength to fight you
To hold you off, at least for a while
Sometimes I make progress
Until you remind me that I am no match for you.

I try to imagine a future without you
I long to know a freedom
So long absent
I can barely remember what it feels like

Hope fades as quickly as it comes.

So I cancel a dinner party
A trip
A card game with my husband.
You will not let me enjoy any of these.

I savor the moments
When you hold yourself at bay
When I feel almost normal
And try to stretch them into a life

Perhaps I must accept
That you will never leave me
That all you have taken from me
Is lost.

But for all that you control
I will not let you have my heart
I will know love and beauty and joy
I will learn and laugh and give back.

Pain

You may be powerful
But I will not let you have it all.

And if this is as good as it gets
I will make it enough.

April 11, 2026