The Soul of Our Nation

My head and heart are imploding
Crumbling in upon themselves
Crashing with a heavy thud
In the pit of my stomach
Filling me with a hot dust
That burns behind my eyes.

This wreckage is multiplied by the millions
All across our country
As people of faith and goodwill and decency and morality
Witness the planes flying into the towers
Of our common humanity
Seeking to destroy from within
What terrorists from without failed to do.

Who will run towards the fiery rubble
To save us all?
Who will risk life and limb
To stop the madness?
Who will enlist in the army of better angels
To defend and protect the most vulnerable among us?

Even more than we did after 9/11
We the people need to rise up as one
And with courage and perseverance
Oppose the enemies within
Oppose the enemies in Congress
Oppose the enemy in the White House
And save the soul of our nation.

I don’t know how we will do this
I only know we must.

May God help us all.

Debra Rose Brillati
July 2019

Jake: The Best Dog in the World

When I look at you
I see a soft blue-gray haze,
Like the one that hovers over the Great Smoky Mountains,
In the place where your eyes used to be.

You lift your chin
In the way you used to do,
Sensing my presence with your canine radar.
But your imaginary gaze
Misses the mark of my face by a few degrees.

I call your name.
“Jake!” “Come, Jake, come!”
“Come on, Jakey!”
“Come to Mummy!”
Your head cocks left then right
Then left again.
Do you hear something, anything?
Or do your paws pick up the vibrations
Of my vocal cords
Leaving you wondering where the sound went.

If I shout loud enough
And with a high enough pitch
The spark of recognition puts a spring in your step
And you come running.
So I keep up the sound in a steady beat,
A vocal beacon for you to follow
Into my waiting arms.

We never had to teach you
How to catch the treats we tossed in the air.
That was all you!
You’d pass every test –
Higher, further, even a false start to throw off your timing.
But now the bone-shaped kibbles
land on your head or back
Then bounce to the floor
As your clouded eyes search in vain.

Even your nose is failing you,
Unable to detect the scattered pieces.
So we hold them just below your nostrils
And touch them to your waiting mouth
As it opens so eagerly to receive this gift.

We watch as you approach the nearest sofa or chair,
Always wanting to be as close to us as possible.
Your chin feels for the height
As your muscles calculate the effort needed.
“You can do it, Jake,” we say encouragingly.
Then wonder if we are tempting you to your doom.
But we don’t want you to give up
Any more than we want to give up on you.
Today, your old bones meet the challenge
But who knows what tomorrow brings.

Others may make the same claim
But you ARE the best dog in the world;
Sensing our tears before they reach our eyes
And comforting us with a rested chin
Or the slow persistent stroke of your paw,
Letting us smother our grief
In the curls of your soft black fur.

You have been there
For all the losses that have come our way
Giving and receiving love
When we needed it most.

We will be there for you
For whatever time you have left.
But who will be our comfort
When the loss we grieve is yours?

Debra Rose Brillati
June 2019

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Bleeding Heart

The very idea
that someone thinks
calling me a bleeding heart
is an insult
is at the heart
of our inability
to understand one another.

If my heart did not bleed
For the pain of others
If it did not boil
Hot inside my chest
At the sight of a child
Being separated from her mother
If it did not send thick blood
Rushing pulsating throbbing
To fill my head with
A deafening white noise
At the news of shots
Ringing out in a sacred place

Then I would wish my heart
simply
to stop.

Because after all
What is the alternative
To a bleeding heart?

One made of stone?
Or ice?
Or paralyzed
by a hard shell of hatred?

My heart may bleed
But it continues to beat
And as long as it does …

I will bind up my wounds
So I can tend to the wounds of others
I will get close enough to the cold-hearted
So that my heart’s warmth
Might melt their own
I will cushion the landing
As others fall on hard times
So that hearts of stone cannot crush them.

Yes, I am proud of my bleeding heart.

Maybe I’ll even wear it on my sleeve.

Debra Rose Brillati
June 2019

Feral Child

Feral child.
A psychiatrist’s description
Of our daughter in full meltdown.

How can so much rage
Reside inside this petite and delicate form,
Behind the grey-green eyes
So prone to sparkle
Until the demons within extinguish them?

Starting life
Lost, alone, without family or love or support,
An innocent little orphan gone wild.

Our feral child.

How do we reach inside to touch
The lost child
So she knows she is not alone
And never will be?

Why can love not cure
What lack of love has caused?
Are we just impatient?
Or have the long days of care-giving
That never seem to be enough
Fed our own demons,
Leavings us exhausted
from the struggle to wrestle hope
From their clawing grasp?

As her raging subsides,
She seeks my body now.
While at first there was no comfort in my touch,
She has come to endure a prolonged embrace.
Maybe, just maybe,
In these moments
She does truly know that she is not alone,
That she is loved,
That we are not going anywhere.
Just maybe.

I want to strap her lanky seven-year-old body to mine
And carry her through life.
But no,
As much as her heart needs anchor in my love
Her spirit needs to soar.

I pray that each embrace will work some small magic
To quell the dark feral child inside
And bring peace to my bright light
With the sparkling eyes.
Because one day,
She will light up the whole world.

Debra Rose Brillati
March 2004

Where Do You Go?

Where do you go when it feels like the whole world is conspiring to drive you mad?
When all that you honor and hold to be true is shredded and trampled by evil forces disguised as saviors?
Where do you go when rage and grief are intertwined like long abandoned chains
And your effort to tease them apart only adds frustration to the tangled mix?

You pack your heart in a suitcase and go as far away as you can.
You leave those who have taken arms with the devil against you
But also those who have loved you and love you still
In your desperate need to run as fast as you can.

There are choices to make on this journey.
Do you allow yourself to fall prey to the evil lurking within you
and chart your own path of revenge and destruction?
Do you add to the suffering of our suffering world
By magnifying your rage and grief
And projecting them onto others?

Or do you search along the way
To find your better angels wherever they have flown?
Do you place the tangled chains in God’s hands
With no request but to accept them?
Do you muster the courage to find your way home
And unpack your heart
Bruised
Fragile
But beating still.

You must choose
But perhaps it does not have to be today.

Debra Rose Brillati
March 2019

I Got Nothing

I got nothing.

Perhaps it’s just the usual
Blank page panic
That terrorizes every writer.

And yet
This nothing feels different

Really.
I got nothing.
I am empty
Drained
Depleted.

Outrage has coursed through my veins
For so long
That I am eroded from the inside
A vast Grand Canyon of emptiness
That somehow feels oddly heavy.

This emptiness is filled
With stories that will go untold
Poetry that will never sing
Music that will never resonate in our hearts.

Somewhere deep down
At the bottom of the canyon
A small voice cries out
The tone is plaintive
But too soft to carry it out of the depths
To my ears
which long to hear
Something.

But I got nothing.

For so long now
I have watched
as truth as been hollowed out
as decency has been discarded
as cruelty has seeped in to fill the void.

Perhaps “nothing”
Is better than the images
That haunt my waking and my sleeping:
School children cowering in closets
Babies ripped from their mothers’ arms
Refugees huddled in squalid camps
Dead black boys
And Palestinians
And Puerto Ricans
Swastikas and burning crosses.

I got nothing.

Tomorrow
I will face the blank page again
I will listen very hard
To hear the voice from the depths of the canyon
Maybe the cries will reach me
And I will hear something
And it will give me hope.

But for today
I got nothing.

Debra Rose Brillati
June 2018

Julienne

A cane in each hand
she carried herself
With remarkable grace and dignity
As she entered the large circle
of worn and mismatched chairs
In the dark church basement,
Nodding and smiling
at each of the handful of people dotting the circle.

She couldn’t have been more than five feet tall
Petite and fine-boned
Her long blonde-gray hair
Soft around her face
And drawn up loosely
In a messy bun
That didn’t look like it would last the day.

Her dress was a deep blue floral cotton
Almost reaching the floor.
Over it she wore a very fine pale yellow pullover
That draped softly from her thin shoulders
The wide neck stretched just enough
To offer a narrow glimpse of freckled skin
Peeking out at the top of her left arm.

She nodded and smiled as she passed in front of me
Then with great care and a flourish of the two canes
Took the seat beside me.

Someone quickly drew up an extra chair in front of her
And gently helped her lift one leg onto it.
On her small arthritic feet
She wore what looked like orthopedic sandals
Thick and black
Too heavy for her delicate frame.
Her left leg stretched out in front of her
was swollen from knee to ankle,
The paper-thin skin so shiny and taut
It looked like a bruise-colored balloon about to burst.

“I’m Julienne,” she said,
In a most refined British accent
With a lovely lilt on the last syllable
That combined with the twinkle in her gray-blue eyes
To give the impression of a sprite
Ready for a little mischief.

I just had time to smile and say my name
when the training started.

We were here,
Some of us,
To learn what it would be like
To get arrested
To stand up for what we believed in
To stand in the safety of our privilege
And fight for the rights of others.

Others were here to teach us.
Gray and bearded men in rumbled khakis and plaid shirts
A woman with a headscarf battling cancer and injustice
A trans person with a funky designer oxygen mask
Who from their field experience as a medic
Counseled us about the health issues
Of being arrested.

All had been arrested
Most several times
Many overnight
Some for a few weeks

But Julienne
Julienne
Was the hero of heroes
Veteran of three months in prison
A tortuous stint she earned
By standing up against torture.

“Oh, but you should do it,”
She said during a break
With a glimmer in her eye.
“You need to really see
How people of color
Are treated differently.
You need to experience it yourself.”

I know next week
She will be locking arms
With some of the people in this room
Counting on them to be her canes
As they are counting on her to be their courage.

Will I stand and be counted
Like Julienne?

Debra Rose Brillati
May 2018

Long Flowing Hair

She had long flowing hair and longings
to be seen
to be beautiful
to be desired.

“What are the words,”
she wondered,
“that are painted on my forehead?
Do they say stay away?”
She would scrub her skin raw if it would erase them.

She had long flowing hair and longings
to be a poet
from another more romantic time,
or the mysterious muse
of a roguish artist
whose depths only she could mine.

Beneath the arched stone window
in a small nook of the musty library
She sat cross-legged on the worn red cushion
and inhaled centuries of novels,
inhabited worlds
so far from the small coal mining town
she longed to escape.

The college on the river
was her chance.
The row of old stone buildings
Looking down on the rural campus
From the top of the grass-covered hill,
The gilded age mansions converted to dorms,
The octagon chapel and columned library.
This was the village
Where she imagined her dreams would come true.

But the roguish artists had other muses
And her crime of rhyming
Banished her from the creative writing program.
So her dreams dried up
And disappeared like coal dust
In the breezes from the river.

She had long flowing hair and longings
And did not know
That one day, when her hair no longer flowed,
she would be her own muse
And create from coal dust
And memories and love
A life of beauty where,
at last,
she was seen and desired.

Debra Rose Brillati
April 2018

April Snow

April snow
Ever so gently
Alights upon the tender greens
Struggling to emerge from a slumbering earth.

Like a lover
Who cannot bear to leave his beloved’s bed
Winter returns for a final kiss
Maybe two
Or three.

I cannot begrudge him this.

Debra Rose Brillati
April 2018

 

The Antichrist

To some he says

I dare you
I double dare you

Come on
You can do it

You can be as selfish as me
You can be as rich as me
Or as rich as I say I am

Tempting
Ever tempting
Tweeting bitter nothings in their ears
It’s OK to be cruel
If it is for love of your own
It is good to exclude
If it makes you feel better
It is OK to kill
All those I tell you are the bad guys

Exalting himself
Taking his seat in the temple
He declares himself God

Looking down from his self-made throne
Upon those trudging in Jesus’ footsteps
He smiles that ridiculous Joker smile and says,
“Go ahead and hate me. You know you want to.”

I dare you
I double dare you

Come on
You can do it

You can wish me dead
Because I deserve it
You can cut yourself off from friends and family
Because they are with me
You can lose faith in human nature
Because I have perverted it

Tempting
Ever tempting
Flaunting Satan’s work with a smirk

Surely this is the antichrist
Thriving on evil in all its forms
Devouring our hatred of one another
Gorging on our hatred of him
To fuel his wretchedness

I would not presume to tell you what to do
But as for me
I will not feed the beast

Debra Rose Brillati
April 2018